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The pirate and the sailor

I overheard a sailor chatting with a pirate in a bar and they took turns swapping sea-stories Now, the pirate had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch, and curiosity finally got to the sailor "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg" he asked The pirate replied, "I wuz swept overboard into a school of sharks Just as my men wuz pullin' me out, a huge Great White bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the sailor "What about the hook" "Well" replied the pirate, "We wuz boardi

Quit complaining about your job! - images

Think your job is bad Look at some of these career options

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

1 Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb 2 Border Collie: Just one And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code 3 Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4 Rottweiler: So make me! 5 Boxer: Who cares I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark 6 Labrador: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeese let me change the light bulb! Can I Can I H

Romance Mathematics

From an email ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

John Cleese's eulogy for Graham Chapman

What a way to go, very funny! http://wwwyoutubecom/watchphpv=fUYfkmgaGC4 Graham Chapman, coauthor of the "Parrot Sketch," is no more He has ceased to be Bereft of life, he rests in peace He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky

Darwin Awards!

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us Here then, are the glorious winners: 1 When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again This time it worked And now, the honorable mentions: 2 The chef at a hotel in Swit

Airport announcements - fun with accents...

You just gotta download this - need MSWord and speakers Http://stuffucanusecom/Odds_and_Sods/airport-announcementdoc

Cheney and the Bushes

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One Dick looks at Junior, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy" Junior shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy" George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy" The pilot rolls her

RIDDLES!

Riddle No 1 There is a town where a quarter of all the people living have unlisted phone numbers If you select 100 names at random from the town's phone book, on average how many of these people would have unlisted phone numbers Riddle No 2 The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it What is it Riddle No 3 What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their politics or religion, agree is between heaven and earth Answers ne

Two risque jokes...

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table He begins to worry "Is this your husband" he nervously asks "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him "Your boyfriend, then" he continues "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear "Is it your dad or your brother" he inquires, hoping to be reassured "No, no, no!!!" she answers "Well, who in the hell is he, then" he demands "That's me befo

Ratzinger Not First Choice!

As I understand it, Cardinal Ratzinger was not the Cardinal Hans Grapje Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemyAfter the war, he became a priest, serving as a

Married?

A man and a woman, who have never met before, who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma''am, I''m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me

A PUSH PLEASE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o''clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push "Not a chance," says the husband, ģit is 3 o''clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed "Who was that" asked his wife "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers "Did you help him" she asks "No, I did not, it is 3 o''clock

Golf and the Leprechaun joke

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back unconscious, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him "Arrgh! What happened" the Leprechaun asked "Oh, I see Well, ye got me fair and square Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want" "Thank God, you're all right!" the

Blond Jokes

Two blondes are standing in line at a New York Starbuck's One says to the other, "Which do you suppose is farther away, California, or the Moon" "Hello!" says the other blonde, snidely "Can you see California from here"
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