I overheard a sailor chatting with a pirate in a bar and they took turns swapping sea-stories Now, the pirate had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch, and curiosity finally got to the sailor
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg" he asked
The pirate replied, "I wuz swept overboard into a school of sharks Just as my men wuz pullin' me out, a huge Great White bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the sailor "What about the hook"
"Well" replied the pirate, "We wuz boardi
Think your job is bad Look at some of these career options
1 Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb
2 Border Collie: Just one And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code
3 Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4 Rottweiler: So make me!
5 Boxer: Who cares I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark
6 Labrador: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeese let me change the light bulb! Can I Can I H
From an email
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
What a way to go, very funny!
Graham Chapman, coauthor of the "Parrot Sketch," is no more He has ceased to be Bereft of life, he rests in peace He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us Here then, are the glorious winners:
1 When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again This time it worked And now, the honorable mentions:
2 The chef at a hotel in Swit
You just gotta download this - need MSWord and speakers
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One Dick looks at Junior, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy"
Junior shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy" George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy"
The pilot rolls her
Riddle No 1
There is a town where a quarter of all the people living have unlisted phone numbers If you select 100 names at random from the town's phone book, on average how many of these people would have unlisted phone numbers
Riddle No 2
The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it What is it
Riddle No 3
What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their politics or religion, agree is between heaven and earth
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table
He begins to worry "Is this your husband" he nervously asks
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him
"Your boyfriend, then" he continues
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear
"Is it your dad or your brother" he inquires, hoping to be reassured
"No, no, no!!!" she answers
"Well, who in the hell is he, then" he demands
"That's me befo
As I understand it, Cardinal Ratzinger was not the
Cardinal Hans Grapje
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague
and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but
was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two
years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot
down in 1943 and he lost his left arm
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a
chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both
Allied and enemyAfter the war, he became a priest,
serving as a
A man and a woman, who have never met before, who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma''am, I''m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o''clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push
"Not a chance," says the husband, ģit is 3 o''clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed
"Who was that" asked his wife
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers
"Did you help him" she asks
"No, I did not, it is 3 o''clock
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back unconscious, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him
"Arrgh! What happened" the Leprechaun asked "Oh, I see Well, ye got me fair and square Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the
Two blondes are standing in line at a New York Starbuck's One says to the other, "Which do you suppose is farther away, California, or the Moon"
"Hello!" says the other blonde, snidely "Can you see California from here"
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