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The talking clock.....

TALKING CLOCK "What's that big brass gong for" one of the guests asked "It's not a gong It's a talking clock" the drunk replied "A talking clock Seriously" asked his astonished friend "Yup, but only at night" replied the drunk "How's it work" the second guest asked, squinting at it "Watch" the man said He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back The three stood looking at one another for a moment Suddenly, s

Twas the night before christmas-brooklyn version

'Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version Da whole house was mellow, Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow When up on da roof' I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "Ay! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer, I knew in a moment Yo, da Kringle wuz here! Wit' a slap t

top 10 signs you've hired a bad santa

Top Ten Signs you've Hired a 10 He recently starred in film called The Full Santy 9 Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy" 8 Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach 7 Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe 6 Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow 5 When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards" 4 He's doubled over, gas

Religious Jokes ^.~

Father Flannigan, an elderly priest invited Father O'Connell, a younger dinner During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the house keeper was Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeepe

Random Internationalish Jokes!

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot "Did I come here to die" he asks with a deep sense of resignation and fear "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterda

Irish Jokes!

Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne" Shayne replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then" Shayne spins around on his stool and steps off He falls flat on his face "Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face He looks to the doorway and thinks t

Lawyer joke....

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and

Government Jokes

I'll post these here before George Bush takes away that right too :sc :sc :sc What Are Politics A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government The government is the provider for the people so you are the people Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class Now think about that" So he went

Random Jokes

Joke to be read with a Swedish accent: Chap walks into a pharmacy in Sweeden, and says, " I want to buy some deodorant please" The pharmacist says, "Certainly sir, balls or aerosol", and the chap says, "No, its for my armpits"

MEN STRIKE BACK!!!

These are awesome : :guy How many men does it take to open a beer None It should be opened by the time she brings it Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you Why do women have smaller feet than men It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war After his talk he offers question time One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is "Billy" "And what is your question, Billy" "I have 3 questions First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden" Just then the bell rings for recess George Bush informs t

Rules for the presidential debate....

http://wwwnewyorkercom/shouts/content/041004sh_shouts From the agreement worked out for the Presidential debates Paragraph Two: Dress Candidates shall wear business attire At no time during the debates shall either candidate remove any article of clothing, such as tie, belt, socks, suspenders, etc Candidates shall not wear helmets, padding, girdles, prosthetic devices, or elevator-type shoes Per above, candidates shall not remove shoes or throw same at each other during deb

The Golden Phone...

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for The priest replied tha

The 10 commandments for the Idle

A french version of Dilbert http://wwwmsnbcmsncom/id/5698558/ No1 You are a modern day slave There is no scope for personal fulfilment You work for your pay-check at the end of the month, full stop No 2 It's pointless to try to change the system Opposing it simply makes it stronger No 3 What you do is pointless You can be replaced from one day to the next by any cretin sitting next to you So work as little as possible and spend time not too much, if you can help

When you just can't get connected...

I like the primate one : http://slatemsncom/id/2105679 Thank you for calling To continue in jargon, press 1 Jos haluat jatkaa suomeksi, ole hyva ja paina 2 Please listen closely to the following menus, as our options have changed For technical support, press 1 For financial support, press 2 For support of the fleshy parts that jiggle during exercise, press 3 For emotional support, please hang up and call 888 HOT-LIVE Please note that we are currently experienc
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