A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
because she is not feeling well
"What's the matter" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma", she says in a weak voice
"What the hell is anal glaucoma"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"
When a large oil well caught fire the company sent out a call for Red Adaire to come a put the fire out
Adiare assembled his team and went at once to the inferno Standing off about a half mile from the well he was busy assessing the fire and determining how to attack the flames, when a ute from Red Rangi Firefighters roared past leaving a trail of dust right into the center of the inferno
There were loud screams and yells from the fire as people piled out of the ute and started beatin
I was travelling in Northland one day with my friend Rangi
When off in the distance we see a police booze bus We pulls up and Rangi winds down the window and says
"Two cans of Lion Red thanks mate"
The copper looks at me and Rangi and says "You must be drunk!
Get out of your Zephyr and blow into this bag for me"
Rangi gets out of the car and said, "Sorry Bro, I can't blow into that
I got a letter from the Doc saying I'm asthmatic an
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up
Their lifetime has always included AIDS
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic
The CD was introduced the year they were born
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable
They cannot fathom not
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back They always catch the second person
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
You can't trust dogs to watch your food
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
Why Did the Chicken cross the Road
Coalition Provisional Authority:
The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions
We were asked to help the chicken cross the road Giv
cc: Cheney, Ashcroft, Rice, Powell, Rumsfeld, Ridge, Mueller and Tenet bcc: Hannity, Novak, Sinclair Broadcasting
To All Concerned Parties: In light of recent events, I feel the need to clarify some of the language and "descriptive phraseology" we’ve been using in regard to the war on terrorism and our ongoing efforts in Iraq
These are not to be interpreted as "non-negotiable edicts" whose violation will
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour See if they turn the other cheek If not, raise
your hand and tell the preacher
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and
so on through the alphabet
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you After the service,
A girl came skipping home from school one day "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10 See 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!"
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them You could tell what The admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their mea
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run
Bob is devastated "Doc, what can I do"
"Eat one sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts PLUS a box of grape nut cereal and top it off with a gallon of prune juice"
Bob asks "Will this cure me"
Doc says "No but it should leave you with a better understanding of what Your arse is for"
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead
I really like the seagull manager and the salmon day :
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimm
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the
window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have
in your flock, will you give me one"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure Why not"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connect
George W Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped The others looked curiously at him "Oh, that was just my pager", said George "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm"
Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear &am
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