New Zealand and Australian jokes

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New Zealand and Australian jokes

Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"

Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".

Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"

"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".

"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".


Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,



Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".

Carlos looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently,I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".

He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on". They put the telly back on.

"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)".

They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos.

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.

"No, No, I have" says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"


An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'


An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession Of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, They are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and Then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's Horror he said smugly:

"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me Not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave".
The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."
By netchicken: posted on 6-7-2006

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
By netchicken: posted on 6-7-2006

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
By netchicken: posted on 6-7-2006

How to speak New Zealand, An instruction guide for the rest of the world....

how-to-speek-new-zealand.jpg - 230.21kb
By netchicken: posted on 10-6-2011

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