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Airline humour from Qantas

Airline humour from Qantas

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

By netchicken: posted on 7-7-2006

Some of someones favorite airline funnies.

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel
free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you
walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."

By Richard Principal: posted on 10-7-2006