Grand fart competition
Dear
You have been nominated by our organization to represent your Local Borough Council in a Grand Fart Competition to be held
on at the above address.
31st May,
A Local representative in the area recently had the pleasure of standing behind you in a queue and gave a grade of 190/75 on a fart ratio of 20. Such a natural, untrained talent as yourself is a rear phenomena not to be overlooked, and we hope you will participate enthusiastically in the event you have been chosen for.
THE FREESTYLE FARTING CUP
Reference: I. SCHEISSEHOSEN - Former Farting Champion (all classes)
of Egypt and the Lebanon
DORIS SLICK - Wet Fart Champion of the United Kingdom
and the Isle of Man
Chairman: Holder of the World Record Duration Fart of 9.3 seconds
(unbeaten after training on Pernod, Duck eggs, Barm
cakes, Swedes and Mushy Peas) .
RULES (to be observed by all contestants)
When called upon each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his/her lower garments an the platform and not before.
He/she will grip the Farting Post, any grip is permitted, one hand or both.
At a given signal from the Senior Referee, the competitor will commence to FART.
A SHIT IS IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFIED
Grading will be be as follows:
Dry farts, long farts, wet farts, short farts, alternating long and short farts rip-raps bubbles blobs and squeaks.
The judge will also take into consideration the quality of the farts, duration, strength, pitch, odour, posture of competitor and grip used. Cushion duster, blanket rippers and thunder claps are admissible. Echo chambers will NOT be allowed.
The drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts is not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound.
After the final fart a demonstration will be given by Arthur Sludge the world Champion Farter, Also by a runner-up who came within one second of the 1996 World Championship but was disqualified for shitting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a heart rending display of formation farting during the interval.
The audience are requested to refrain from farting during the competition as this upsets the judge.
I agree to abode by the International Rules of Farting and and state that I have never undergone cosmetic surgery and am currently not suffering from bleeding hemorrhoids.
Ann Arsewhole
(Signature)
Unfortunately due to recent conflicts at the Commonwealth and Olympic Games, all entrants in any International Event, competing for the world Titles, must pass a stringent drug test.
The use of narcotics can be detected by the use of specially treated crystals.
Please fart into the bag provided and seal with the flat tie.
Send your sample to:
EAST GERMAN STADIUM WEMBLEY.
Sample cannot be returned
In the mean time keep farting. If you don't use it in time, you loose it.
Remember: practice make perfect.
By Richard Principal:
posted on 31-8-2006
You have been nominated by our organization to represent your Local Borough Council in a Grand Fart Competition to be held
on at the above address.
31st May,
A Local representative in the area recently had the pleasure of standing behind you in a queue and gave a grade of 190/75 on a fart ratio of 20. Such a natural, untrained talent as yourself is a rear phenomena not to be overlooked, and we hope you will participate enthusiastically in the event you have been chosen for.
THE FREESTYLE FARTING CUP
Reference: I. SCHEISSEHOSEN - Former Farting Champion (all classes)
of Egypt and the Lebanon
DORIS SLICK - Wet Fart Champion of the United Kingdom
and the Isle of Man
Chairman: Holder of the World Record Duration Fart of 9.3 seconds
(unbeaten after training on Pernod, Duck eggs, Barm
cakes, Swedes and Mushy Peas) .
RULES (to be observed by all contestants)
When called upon each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his/her lower garments an the platform and not before.
He/she will grip the Farting Post, any grip is permitted, one hand or both.
At a given signal from the Senior Referee, the competitor will commence to FART.
A SHIT IS IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFIED
Grading will be be as follows:
Dry farts, long farts, wet farts, short farts, alternating long and short farts rip-raps bubbles blobs and squeaks.
The judge will also take into consideration the quality of the farts, duration, strength, pitch, odour, posture of competitor and grip used. Cushion duster, blanket rippers and thunder claps are admissible. Echo chambers will NOT be allowed.
The drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts is not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound.
After the final fart a demonstration will be given by Arthur Sludge the world Champion Farter, Also by a runner-up who came within one second of the 1996 World Championship but was disqualified for shitting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a heart rending display of formation farting during the interval.
The audience are requested to refrain from farting during the competition as this upsets the judge.
I agree to abode by the International Rules of Farting and and state that I have never undergone cosmetic surgery and am currently not suffering from bleeding hemorrhoids.
Ann Arsewhole
(Signature)
Unfortunately due to recent conflicts at the Commonwealth and Olympic Games, all entrants in any International Event, competing for the world Titles, must pass a stringent drug test.
The use of narcotics can be detected by the use of specially treated crystals.
Please fart into the bag provided and seal with the flat tie.
Send your sample to:
EAST GERMAN STADIUM WEMBLEY.
Sample cannot be returned
In the mean time keep farting. If you don't use it in time, you loose it.
Remember: practice make perfect.