Rodney ..... The day I was born the doctor said to my mother, we tried but he pulled through anyway

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Rodney ..... The day I was born the doctor said to my mother, we tried but he pulled through anyway

Brilliant one liners!

This girl was fat. Her belly button has an echo. I mean fat. When she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He got mad. He nailed down my other foot.

In high school I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a B-B gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back!

I tell you I don't get no respect. Why, the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette.

I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.

I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Just the other night a guy held me up. But he had class, ya know. He used an electric razor. Actually, I blame myself. I was standing right next to an outlet. Oh, this guy took everything. He took my watch, my wallet and a little off the sides.

I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I tell ya nothing goes right. My wife's father died. She had his body frozen. Every time I take a snack, he falls out of the refrigerator.

I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

I tell ya, I'm not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I'll show ya where it's at." She said, "You'd better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

I take showers, I don't like baths. The last time I took a bath, I lost three of my ships.

I don't get no respect at all. My wife, she ran off with my best friend. Now I got no dog.

The other night I went to visit my mother. She was on her hands and knees. I said. Ma, you're off your rocker."

When I say I'm lonely, I mean lonely. The other day in traffic a guy gave me the finger. And I enjoyed it.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn't eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power."

I asked my doctor if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me, "Not if I join in."

I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that's pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down."

I tell ya, blind dates, they never work out. I had one blind date. They told me she had early American features. Yeah, she looked like a buffalo.

In high school I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

My old man, he was very strict. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I was born in a small town: Babylon, Long Island. And I'll tell you one thing about Babylon. The population never changes. Every time a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

My kid drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school, He won't tell me where it is.

Every time my wife takes the car there's trouble. The other day she came home there were a hundred dents in the car. She said she took a shortcut through a golf range.

Oh I live in a bad neighborhood. But one thing in my neighborhood, though, the parents, they always know where their children are. Yeah, they see them on the news.


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By netchicken: posted on 7-4-2004








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