Humor & Fun | Smile.... |

I got a bunch, sorry if this is a lot but I collect them...
Naw, not really, got them from this site!
http://lib.ru/ANEKDOTY/tagl...

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"90% of all statistics are made up"
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-W. Churchill
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
"Bother," said Pooh as Earnhardt won again!
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4."
"Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him"
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
"Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus
"Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"-Judy Tenuda
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"Human equality is a contingent fact of history." -Steven Jay Gould
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV"
"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"It hurt real bad." -John Bobbit
"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams
"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs"
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain
"The sun ain't yellow, its chicken." -Bob Dylan
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain
"There's someone in my head, but its not me." -Pink Floyd
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with Velcro
"We are on an irreversable trend towards more feedom and democracy - but that could change" -D. Quayle
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"-Steven Wright
"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
#28 Davey Allison 1961 - 1993
#7 Alan Kulwicki 1954 - 1993 Winston Cup Champion 1992
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
'God wills it' may be answer enough, but God does not will what people will not do.
'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove al doubt
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
.....I have a husband and a dog. What the h*ll do I need kids for?!!!
.....If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ? Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps. It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....
>From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
>From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
A Smith & Wesson ALWAYS beats four aces.WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY?!!
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A drawing pin is an excited Smartie
A few cans short of a six pack, Six short.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A fool and his money are soon partying!
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A harp is a nude piano.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A library is an arsenal of liberty.
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man, a plan, a canal. Suez!
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A penny saved is ridiculous!
A perversion of nature....how exciting!
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A stage? No, this is not a stage.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Alex Haley was adopted!
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All generalizations are bad.
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All hope abandon, ye who press ENTER here
All in all just another brick in the wall.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are green unless they are not.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Alone: In bad company.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Am I really seeking answers?
Amateur Time Lord
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
And how can this be? For he IS the Kumquat Haagen
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
And it's only ones and zeros.
And now for something completely else...
And now for something completely the same...
And now for something ruder...
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
And then it goes... BOOOOOMMMM!!!
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, not just EXE & COM
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
Another fine product from Bastards Inc.
Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! *
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs ther\C
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Are ya feelin' lucky, punk?!! - Harry Callahan
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain dysfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More.
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP: One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING: AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH: Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution: Contents under pressure
Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Aspirin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!! Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucius say too much.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Confucius say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confuse People: Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
D.A.M. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
D.A.M.M - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
DILATE: To live longer.
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
DOS 5.0 Yesterday's operating system, today!
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold.
Database administrators do it with their relations
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Dawson's First Law: You don't have enough outlets.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!
Democracy's GREAT! Even George Bush can chunder!
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dictator - a potato with a penis.
Did I just step on someone's toes again?
Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Digression is education.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diplomacy is the ability to let someone else have your way.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Disks travel in packs.
Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Doctor Who for president
Doctor, my brain hurts!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does Bill Clinton think Elvis is alive?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there, scratch my back!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so damned hard!
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me. You know how I get.
Don't steal - the government hates competition..
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't waste water. Pee on a friend.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
EMS: Enhanced Money Scam
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Easter is canceled this year. They've found the body.
Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Ego Gratification through Violence
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Email me the rules, please!
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Eschew obfuscation.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Every purchase has its price.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in our favor was against us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Evil always triumphs over good, because good is STUPID!
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Exploding piglets!!! My god, it's raining bacon!
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
FORD: The Heartbreak of today's Chevrolet!
Fact is solidified opinion
Facts are stubborn things.
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Familiarity breeds children.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
Felines... nothing more than felines...
Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition
First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover. Barely used.
For the finest in brain candy.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forget the computer! Where's my abacus??
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
GET A HAIRCUT!
GODISNOWHERE
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
General Failure reading John Dvorak
Genitalia is not an Italian airline.
Geoff, Brett and Todd...the BO-DYNASTY!!!
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Lemmings, Go!!!
Go ahead, make my.....GODDAM COMPUTER WORK RIGHT!!!!!
God I hate floppies.
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God does not play dice.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
God is love... Love is blind... Ray Charles is God!
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Goodness has NOTHING to do with it.....
Gotta love me!
Gravity brings me down
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sux.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Greed is good! Greed is right! Greed works!
Grow your own dope... plant a man
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
Grub first, then ethics.
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
Guten TAG.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
HAL 9000, you're pretty drunk aren't you Dave?
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
HEY YOU!!!!!!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
Hackito ergo sum.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip.
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
Hard work must have killed someone!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Harry Gant #33 - the Bandit's Last Run 1994
Has it ever rained cats and dogs?
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
He's dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I'll get his wallet
He's dim, Jed
Heads I win... DITTO tails
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Hello, I am part # !|* ||***| | * *** *| |||* |*
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help fight continental drift.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help! I've been stuck in here for years and years...
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Hey! This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey!! When in Doubt Whip it Out!!!!
Hey, shit happens!
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
Honest! It's only a cold sore!
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Housework done properly, can kill you
Houston! do you read.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
How do you pronounce my name? With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How does one expect the unexpected?
How long is a short story?
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
I always get my muckin words fuddled
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am a vampire. Please wash your neck.
I am both of us & so are you.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke
I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
I came... I saw... I stole your tagline.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could prove God statistically.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
I feel the need......the need for speed!!! - Maverick Mitchell 1987
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I give advice worth the price....free!
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I guess a cynic smells different.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point
I have given my pain a name..!!
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have the mars observer and I'm not returning it until I get an 'A' in astronomy
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know everything about everything, except that.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like two kinds of women: domestic and foreign.
I like women with big... HEARTS! YEAH! THAT's it!
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I look better on a woman!
I lost a button hole today.
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like!
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I post.......... I am
I promise results, not promises.
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think................I am paid.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back..
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
I'll eat anything that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm making a career of evil.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm new and what's all this then?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not on drugs. I am drugs.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm schizophrenic, What are you?
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
I've run out of sick leave so I'm calling in dead.
I've seen the future. I can't afford it.
I've upped my standards, SO UP YOURS!
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
IF numcooks > .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If I can't win, I don't wanna play!
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it has tits or tires, there will be problems.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams it's not food......yet. <>
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's not worth doing well, it's not worth doing.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If rainy days and Mondays get you down, what do you do
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you prick me, do I not get turned on?
If you see an onion ring, ANSWER IT!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you're a typical student, consider the fact there is
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush..
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In God we trust. All others must pay cash.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
Inertia makes the world go round.
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Innuendo: Italian Suppository.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Insert inevitable trivial witticism of your choice.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"
Iraqi Bingo B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Is FIDO a dog?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
Is it possible to feel gruntled.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't easy being easy.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It depends on which end he tries to light.
It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is broke. It will not work. It does not go.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It works better if you plug it in.
It's Tekonojikly better!
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's an ill wind that gathers no moss.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM..
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
It's more than a reader. It's a message base manager!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
It's only ones and zeros.
It's over when the fat lady sits on your face.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not your nose.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's true, forgiveness IS easier to get than permission
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Ivan Poorovitch, Russia's new premier.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
JOYSTICK: Peripheral used by consulting adults.
James Bond rules. 00K.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jeez if you love honkus
Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question
Jesus Saves! But Gretzky scores on the rebound.
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!
Jesus saves, Gretsky steals, he shoots, HE SCORES!
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Junior! Quit playing with your floppy.
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
Just because you're STUPID ain't no excuse.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
Just how much leg have I got
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
Keep NZ Beautiful.... emigrate.
Keep NZ beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kill them all! .... Let God sort them out.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Kleptomania: take something for it
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know God...No peace. No God...Know peace.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Land of the Single Entendre...
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Liberal - a power worshiper without power.
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's a witch, then you fly.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites
Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
Live before you die.
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
MOPAR = Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly!
Macho does not prove Mucho.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it do ... Or do without.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a bottom and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Marilyn Monroe? A vacuum with nipples.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
Marry your mistress, create a job vacancy.
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
Master Baiter
Mastermind specialist subject - the bleedin' obvious..
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Me know gammar. Me cood use it gud.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Men play the game; women know the score.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Microfiche: Sardines.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
Mind if I rape your daughter
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem sex begins with a handshake.
Modem sex, the next best thing to being there.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone!
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life
Money is the root of all wealth.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
Murphy is out there... waiting...
Murphy was an optimist.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My Go amn keyboar oesn't have any 's!
My God can beat up YOUR god...
My I.U.D. picks up Radio Windy.
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
My best friend is a social worker.
My computer has a terminal illness
My computer puts out.
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier
My couch potato routine honed to perfection
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My hat covers my head... Just like hair used to!
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My karma ran over my dogma
My keyboard has an F1 key. Where is the NASCAR key?
My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
My lucky color just faded.
My message above. Your response here ____________.
My modem can beat up your modem.
My other car is a broom!
My other computer is a abacus.
My tagline can beat up your tagline!
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
NO MORE BU__ SH__
NUMBER CRUNCHING: Jumping on a Computer.
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never before have so few puked so much on so many.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
Never eat yellow snow!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Never go with the odds
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never shove your granny while she's shaving.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
New Highway gets Railroaded.
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nil taurus excretum. No El Toro Poopoo either!
Ninety per cent of everything is crap.
Nitpicking: Not just a hobby, it's a way of life!
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
No .sig is a good .sig
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
No matter where you go, there you are.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
No, I'm from NZ. I only work in Outer Space.
No?! Some people still read mail a packet at a time?!
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Not quite human any longer.
Not tonight honey... I have a modem
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
Nothing recedes like success.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing this evil EVER dies!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Now is not a good time to annoy me
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now where did I put that rubber doll?
Nudist Camp sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
ORG.ASM Not Found. Wife not happy!
OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Objection, your Honor! My client is an idiot!
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Objects in taglines are closer than they appear.
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Oh goody! Another Muranium Explosive Space Modulator!
Oh no you don't! Your not stealing this one!
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Oh yeah? Well, beam *THIS* up, pal!
Okay - right after this one we're BACK to the TOPIC
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One in Kate Bush is worth two in the Hand.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
One legged girls are pushovers.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
One man's meat is another's editor
One man's upload is another man's download
One night I came home very late. It was the next night
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
Only God can make random selections.
Only a wimpy God can't get it right the first time!
Only consume alcohol on days ending in "Y!"
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Chew Carefully.
Open mouth. Insert Foot. Echo internationally.
Open your drive door, honey.
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Optimization hinders evolution.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
Oxymoron - Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
Oxymoron: Soviet Union.
PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
PI seconds is a nanocentury. - Tom Duff, Bell Labs
PIMP: a fornicaterer.
PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore
PMS- Presentation Manager Syndrome.
Pagan Missionary
Pagan and Proud
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Palindrome isn't one.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here... It pours!
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Pascal: What's it Wirth?
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of WAIT!
Peace through superior firepower.
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
People will die this year that never died before
Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Millionaire, Skipper & Gilligan.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
Please don't drink and post.
Please don't filter this twit
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Pobody's Nerfect!
Poets go from bad to verse
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
Police Blotter: Energizer Bunny Charged with Battery!
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Pornography? We don't even have a pornograph!
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
Press -- to continue.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Pretend to spank me. I'm a pseudo-masochist.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Programmers do it in loops.
Programmers get overlaid!
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prosecutors will be violated
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
Psychologists want you tested before they do it
Push any key. Then push the any other key.
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Put people on hold when possible.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
Question Authority, ask me anything
RAID Antivirus - Kills Virus's DEAD!!!
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
RECOVER.COM: a little slice of hell
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
Rap music is Oxymoron
Read what I mean, not what I write.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real men don't set for stun.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Reality Is An Illusion Caused By Lack Of Acid
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Refuse Novocain...Transcend Dental Medication!
Regal Lager, It's not just a beer... It's a palindrome!
Religion ... is the opium of the masses.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Remember when safe sex meant not getting caught?
Remember, If you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!
Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush()));
Reusable Condoms: Just shake the fuck out of them.
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
Roses are red, Violet's are blue, And mine are white.
Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
Round up the usual suspects!
Round, round, get around. I've gotten round!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
STRING space corrupt? But I always use TAPE!
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
SUSHIDO the way of the tuna
SYNTAX? Why not--they tax everything else!
SYSOP's read minds. But QWKly, very, very QWKly!
Saddam eats his Kurds
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
Save a whale, harpoon a fat person.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save fuel. Get cremated with a friend.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save your money for a rainy day, or a new computer!
Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.
Say yer prayers, y' flea-bitten' varmint.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schizophrenia rules. OK. OK.
Science asks why. I ask why not.
Science: preconception meeting verification.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
See how you can be?
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
Send lawyers, guns, & money...
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up! - Spartacus
Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years
Set mode=Extremely verbose
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off!
Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind.
Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sexual Harassment starts at the office.
Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
She is blonde/tall/beautiful, and as a Z80 for a brain
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Shell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy?
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark..
Short people are vertically challenged.
Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did!
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign here please:_______________________Thanks
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Signito ergo sum - I sign therefore I am.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Sit down, you're rocking the boat!
Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
Slower Traffic Keep Right - Is that so difficult?
Slug Sautee: a hors of a different d'oeuvre.
Small changes pick up the reins from nowhere.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
Smile if you are Jesus
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Smurf exterminator.
So dry & yet so wet.
So many bytes, so few cps.
So many damsels, so little time
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many toys, so little time...
So much time, and so little to do.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software means nev

By peregrine: posted on 17-6-2009

Thank you, I've read the entire thing twice, and you can send in your own via email, so it's constantly updated. Very funny stuff in there.

The list got cut of, so here it is continued....

Software means never having to say you're finished
Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths
Some people are so nice to be nasty to.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes they just grow, and grow, and grow...
Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion.
Sorry, my English is not very good. No punt intended.
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Space is big. Really big.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems!
Spice is the variety of life.
Squeeze my Lemon, till the juice runs down my leg...
Stamp out philately!
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer!
Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming...
Sterility is hereditary.
Strike any user when ready.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched.
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
Supernovae are a Blast
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Support the helpless victims of computers.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Swish, two, three, four! Swish, two, three, four!
Sylvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept.
System Crash (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules
THIS definitely takes, eats and shits the cake.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
Tampons $1 a dozen! No strings attached!
Taurus Excretum Ad Infinitum....
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target.
Techno Pagan.
Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Terminator bumpersticker: I TIME TRAVEL NAKED.
Texas Toilet paper, it don't take s**t off anyone.
Thank you very little.
That ain't so good English!
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That that is is not that that is not.
That was ZEN -- this is TAO
That'll be $67.50 CCCHHHHHIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
The 11th COMMANDMENT - Thou shalt not be a smartass!
The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX.
The French defense isn't...
The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
The Official Offline Reader of The Lunatic Fringe!
The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s}
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The cause of problems are solutions!
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum...
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
The dog ate my .REP packet.
The dreadful burden of having nothing to do.
The drunker I sit here, The longer I get.
The first blonde is the cheapest.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with i
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The fish that escaped is the big one.
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The game's a little bit wide open again.
The gene pool has no lifeguard.
The hangman let us down.
The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
The little engineer that could
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The margin is very marginal.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you
The mind is like a parachute - it works only when open.
The moral majority is neither.
The patient's taken a turn for the nurse.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The polls show 8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree!
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The road to success is always under construction.
The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution
The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
The superfluous is very necessary.
The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone baby
The unnatural, that too is natural.
The vine Jane! No the vine! aaiiieeeee...
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is so big and so global now.
The worst day's fishing is better than the best day's w
The worst thing about censorship is **************************.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Then do the pelvic thrust.
Then somebody spoke, and I went into a dream....
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There are many things I could say...
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is much Obiwan did not tell you.
There is no God! He just thinks he's there!
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There will be no last bus tonight.
There's a hot place with pitchforks waiting.
There's no future in time travel
There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.
There's one in every car... You'll see.
There's safety in numbers/When you learn to divide.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Things will be fine as soon as you realize that I AM GOD AND YOU (TAG) ARE IT!!
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath
Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?
This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall.
This isn't hell, but I can see it from here.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
This message has been UNIXized for your protection.
This message was typed on recycled phosphorous.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This phone is baroque; please call Bach later.
This program makes me look like a genius.
This tagline is SHAREWARE! To Register, send me $10.
This tagline was created from many little letters.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Tie a yellow ribbon around Jane Fonda's neck..
Tilt your chair back, your breath is effecting my RAM!
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Tis better to be hunter than hunted.
Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition
To all virgins. Thanks for nothing
To be or Not is the Result!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To boldly go and watch Star Trek re-runs.
To do nothing is also a good remedy.
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
To err is human, to eat Jello, is messy.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human. To moo bovine
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.
To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.
Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Todays subliminal message is " "
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving.
Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!
Turning floppies into hard drives.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Two peanuts went to New York. One was assaulted.
Two seals fell off a cliff. Arf Arf
Two's company, three's the result.
Typographers rule, OQ
Tyre Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
UART what UEAT!
UFO's are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
Ultimate Question Research Team
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought.
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Until people grow up, they have no idea what's cool
Use DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Useless as windshield wipers on a duck's ass.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
VD is nothing to clap about.
VLSI: "Getting High On Low Voltage"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Veterinarians drive like animals.
Vidi, Vici, Veni: I saw, I conquered, I came
Virginity can be cured.
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
Vulcans have less fun.
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
WAITER! there's soup in my fly!
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
WYGIWYD -What you got, if what you deserve.
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walls impede my progress
Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp!
Want a LAUGH run a spell check on DSZ docs.
Want a jelly baby?
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Wanted: Volcano. Average size. Must be active.
War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
Warning: Whimsical when bored
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was it as good for you, as it was for me?
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF.
Was today really Necessary?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Water + Malt + Hops + Yeast = Satisfaction
Wave to your neighbor, Word to your mother.
We are not a clone.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom...
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
We'll get along fine just as soon as you realize that I am the GODESS!
We'll give you piece de resistance and a tour de force
We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
Weeping, I wake; waking, I weep, I weep.
Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years.
Well cover me in egg & flour and bake me for 14 minutes
Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
What are you doing?!? The message is over,GO AWAY!
What can you do for me?
What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong.
What do batteries run on?
What do you call a female clown? A Clunt :-)
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full!
What do you feed a Trojan horse? A latex lollipop!
What do you mean that 2 years have passed??
What do you think?
What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
What does ignorant mean?
What does this red button do?
What else can you do at 3:00 am?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When 911 won't work .357 will!
When in doubt, think.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Where does weight go when you lose it?
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
Who cares how it plays in Peoria?
Who glued the cup to the table?
Who is "they" anyway?
Who put the "arse" in Arsenio?
Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
Why am I asking all these things?
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
Why aren't there many Hannukah specials on tv?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why did the Albanion working class revolt?
Why did you read this?
Why do people cry when they're sad?
Why do the Kennedy men cry after sex? MACE.
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Why do women wear a pair of panties and one bra?
Why do you think they call it "find"?
Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat
Winston Peters, a rebel without a caucus.
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wit is cultured insolence.
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Woman was God's second mistake.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value...
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Women! Can't live with 'em and no resale value.
Women, can't live with'um, can't shoot'um.
Work is for people who can't
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy
World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00...
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual?
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
You want I should bop you with this here Lollipop?!?
Your feet have balls but not vice versa?
Your friendly neighborhood Atheist.
Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within
[DISCLAIMER: my fingers are epileptic]
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
velcro.

By peregrine: posted on 19-6-2009