Hospital and doctor jokes

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Hospital and doctor jokes

Things you don't want to hear during surgery...

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Shoot, there go the lights again....

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.

What do you mean you want a divorce?
By netchicken: posted on 1-10-2004


1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
By netchicken: posted on 13-2-2005

What the Doctor says
What the Doctor really means

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon,
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this alot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% intrest in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."
By netchicken: posted on 13-2-2005

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit he is shown into a ward with several beds, whose occupants seem to have no obvious signs of injury. But as he approaches the first bed, the patient pipes up:

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

Being somewhat taken aback, he goes to the next patient and is immediately greeted with:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it.
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what aq panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need not start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"

He quietly asks the doctor accompanying him if they have unexpectedly entered the psychiatric ward. "Och, Nay," replies his guide; "this is the serious Burns unit."
By netchicken: posted on 13-2-2005

Colonoscopy humor:

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
By netchicken: posted on 13-2-2005

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